I lay that night asleep in my tent, staring at the canopy. Tristan had moved his things, and I couldn’t blame him. I’m not an expert or anything, but I’m guessing that telling a boy you’ve been thinking about another boy who you’ve never even met, right after he has sex with you isn’t a wonderful way to keep him with you.
I closed my eyes and took a deep breath.
You’re curious I heard his voice echoing. I know it.
“This isn’t real,” I murmered. It was one of his illusions.
I can show you truth, Annalise, he said, You mourn him, which I suppose is natural, but he hid it from you.
I kicked the covers off and threw open my wardrobe. If he wanted to show me truth, he could show me truth, but I wasn’t going to let him have it on his terms. I grabbed the dress uniform that Athena and I had been tailoring for most of the summer and pulled it on.
The fit was awkward still, and when I glanced in the mirror I didn’t recognize myself, but I swallowed and held my breath for a moment.
“Why, Caleb?” I whispered. I wasn’t angry with him, I couldn’t be, anymore. He’d had his reasons for everything, I trusted that. I just wished I could ask him what to do now. But that was impossible and I knew who could help me. I walked quickly to Marina’s tent. She stirred and blinked at me.
“What are you doing here?” I looked at her. Even half asleep and exhausted she looked like an illustration in a fairy tale book. How was that fair? But maybe it was what I needed.
“Marina,” I said, softly, “get up! Get dressed!” I began rifling through her wardrobe mumbling to myself. As we approached the tent I looked at Marina. She didn’t look afraid, but I knew she was. The whole encounter was frustrating, he didn’t answer questions, but I knew he wouldn’t.
And when Marina looking him in the eye and said, “You will die,” I was frightened, of her, of her certainty. And I knew that in the morning she would hate me. She stormed out and I looked at him.
“You can ask it of me cousin, I am Chosen too,” he said. I swallowed. “It is not an easy path.”
“You made it harder,” I said simply and left him behind. Marina stood leaning against a tree, she was shaking. I held her until she stopped and then made my way back to the tent. Tristan had decided to come back, but he was asleep. I curled up next to him.
“You were spotted,” he muttered, “couldn’t sleep.”
“No,” I whispered. He nodded and began to play with my hair. “Tristan,” I whispered.
“Mm,” he mumbled sleepily.
“I’m not going to execute him,” I whispered. He started then. “I can’t, I need him, and politically…”
“After all of this?” He said. I nodded. “What will you tell Marina?”
“I don’t know,” I sighed. “I think she’ll understand though.” He kissed me. “Do you?”
“You need to understand being Chosen, he is,” he whispered. I nodded. “And sparing him will cause a lot of the nobility, the ones that stayed at his side to exhale.” I nodded. “It’s a good plan but doesn’t sound like you.”
“It’s Caleb’s plan,” I whispered, “but I wish I could talk about it with him.” I realized I’d be saying that a lot, and that was the most terrifying thing. Knowing that I was planning to rely on him completely, that he’d lied and kept secrets from me, and that he was gone. But I fell asleep to the rhytmic sounds of Tristan’s breathing.
It was a problem for another day.