Tag: duchess

Wedding

Annalise

I swallowed sitting beside Harran’s brothers as he and Brea exchanged their vows. He looked unbelievably happy. The blue and green gown I’d had made and the veil wrapped around my head felt itchy and like my body was rejecting it. Rian looked at me and smiled.

Harran had told me once that when he’d come to me Rian had attempted to court Brea. He seemed to be the only person besides me who wasn’t over the moon. Did he love her? Had they been together at all? Had she tried to love him and failed the way I had Harran?

Prior smiled at me and I felt my cheeks flush. He’d warned me about how he was out here, but he’d undersold it. Last night I’m surprised we hadn’t woken the whole keep with our activities in bed. And against the wall. And on the floor by the fire. And in the bath.

If Prior was at all insecure of his position in my life, he was making himself indispensable in pleasure alone.

Harran was vowing to love and honor Brea, and she was radiant, dressed in a white robe. As Nika had said, she was veiled, but it was lighly draped over her long dark hair, rather than wrapped like Nika’s or the one I was wearing.

“And so before the gods, and your tribes,” Lady Anaia said, binding their hands, “I bind you to one another. As long as your hearts beat, may you bring one another joy.” They kissed to seal the bond and we applauded.

After we were sitting at the feast and Prior came and sat beside me.

“You did well,” he grinned. “I only saw you grimace at the bride twice.”

“Most people weren’t looking at me,” I said. He leaned close to me. “Prior.”

“Everyone was looking at you,” he said, “at least everyone who’s sane.”

“You are clearly not,” I shook my head with a giggle and kissed him. “I can’t imagine you want more after last night.” He grinned. “Prior,” I said, “I can’t leave.”

“Yet,” he said, “I intend to have you every night for the foreseeable future, Annalise.” I smiled. “Now, what was that about leaving?” I rolled my eyes.

“I’ll be missed,” I said and stood up with my goblet to go have it refilled. “But if you want to go prepare for me,” he laughed and pulled me into his lap. “I need more whiskey.”

“You do not,” he pressed a kiss against my neck. “You need me.” I sighed and leaned back into him and heard Brea giggle as Harran lifted her up and music was playing. I suddenly realized what he was doing.

“Prior,” I whispered. He hummed into my hair. “I adore you for what you’re trying to do, but you cannot distract me from having feelings about this wedding with sex.” He turned my head and kissed me.

“Are you sure about that?” He whispered. I laughed.

“Yes,” I stood up. “I am.” I walked over and poured more into my goblet. Aaron walked over and looked at me. “Prior is trying to distract me with sex.”

“Well that won’t work,” Aaron said. I nodded.

“I know, I’ve outgrown that sort of thing,” I smiled.

“No you haven’t,” he snorted, “it won’t work because sex distraction is what you did with Harran.” I kicked him and he laughed. “Lisette, you’re handling this better than any of us thought you would.” I sighed.

“Thank you,” I said softly. “I don’t know how you thought I’d be handling it, because I don’t think I’m handling it well at all.” He slipped his arm around my shoulder. “If Eric announces that he’s marrying some debutante his sister in law picked out I’m not going.”

“You’ll go if you’re invited,” Aaron snorted.

“I will not,” I said. “And I’m not inviting him when I marry Prior. I’ve decided it’s cruel, to have former lovers at your wedding.”

“Mm,” Aaron nodded. “You have to invite him.” I sighed. “Well, you have to invite Elana and Daniel and then you have to welcome whoever they send. Which might not be Eric.”

“You aren’t being helpful either,” I said. “At least Prior’s tactic is fun for me.” We looked at Harran. “He looks so happy.”

“He’s in love,” Aaron shrugged.

“Not possible,” I shook my head with a smirk, “being in love doesn’t make you that happy. Being in love is torture. It’s having your heart pulled out of your chest over and over.” He looked at me and laughed. “In my experience.”

“When we were young,” Aaron said softly, “and Harran came to Pantona, I was furious with Father.” I looked at him. “It was such a risk, Lisette.” I smiled. “I was ranting and shouting about your safety and your future, and what was he thinking? And how could we trust this person?” I laughed.

“You were jealous,” I said. He shrugged.

“You were mine,” he said, “and you were following Harran around like a puppy and he liked it far too much.” I smiled. “But I remember what my father said,” I looked at him, “Aaron, we didn’t save her to keep her in a cage, we saved her so that she could live.” I smiled.

“I miss him so much,” I said softly. “He’d be so proud of you, Aaron. He’d be absurd about Calla.” He threw his head back.

“Her feet wouldn’t have touched the ground yet.” He grinned. I laughed. “We didn’t save you to keep you in a cage. But I feel like you’ve put yourself in one.” I looked at him.

“I’m not in a cage,” I said. “I do need some air though.” I rushed outside and exhaled my hand on my belly. Maybe I had had too much whiskey.

“Annalise?” I turned and saw Brea. “Are you alright?”

“I don’t know,” I whispered. She nodded and walked over. She helped me to a bench and sat me down. “Your guests.”

“Please,” she said, and waved her hand dismissively, “half the reason to marry a man like Harran is because he can handle that sort of thing.” I laughed.

“You look beautiful,” I said softly, my breath was still shallow. She nodded.

“Well, yes, I’m me,” she said. “You’re alright, keep breathing,” I nodded. “He was so glad you agreed to come. We were worried that you wouldn’t.” I looked at her.

“Really?” I said. She nodded.

“I know I’m not your favorite person,” she said. I smiled. “And I hated you for years before I ever saw you.” I laughed again. “I am absolutely serious. When he came back from Pantona all he could talk about was Lisette, this amazing girl. Ask Nika, I was furious. Who was this Cammadie girl, how dare she make him fall in love with her?” I smiled. “It took me two years to get him to see me again. And then the word came, you weren’t some farm girl who he’d shared puppy love with you were the queen. And you wanted him.” I looked at her. “I hated you for wanting him. I hated him for going to you. I hated the gods for making you queen, I hated my family for trying to comfort me.” She exhaled. “Oh and poor Rian, I hated him the most.” I looked at her. “Rian, coming to me, sitting next to me at feasts, greeting me every time we arrived. Trying to make me smile.” She exhaled. “Oh I hated him so much for that.” I swallowed. “But I’m not,” she exhaled, “I don’t get to be angry, to hate that way. I’m the shiny, bright light, I shine so that Nika can be seen.” She swallowed. “She gets to be angry and grumpy and hate people.” She looked at me. “So I smiled, and I twinkled and I hated you.” I laughed.

“I can take it,” I smirked.

“I know,” she stood up. “Meanwhile you have your own Rian to deal with.” I raised my eyebrows. “Prior Chastain is a good man, Annalise, but he isn’t the man for you.” I sighed.

“Why does everyone keep saying that?” I said.

“Because it’s true,” Brea shrugged. “And you know I’m being honest because I hate you.” I smiled. “Now come on, because I cannot allow Nika to continue this ruse that she and Marina are alright.” I stifled a laugh. “What happened there?”

“Oh nothing particularly exciting,” I said as we drifted back into the hall. “Nika found her snuggling with Tristan and reached her breaking point.”

“Ah yes,” Brea said with a nod. “I could have seen that coming.” She looked at me. “I once swore to curse Marina if she ever hurt my sister.”

“Please don’t,” I said, “trust me, loving Tristan is enough of a curse.” She laughed. “I am happy for you.” She smirked at me. “Well, I’m happy Harran is happy.”

“Try not to choke,” she grinned.

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Interlude: The Safe Place

Content Warning: This story contains references to and descriptions of Domestic Child Abuse. If you are aware of or suffering from Child Abuse, please contact your state CPS, (A list of United States CPS Agencies can be found at childwelfare.gov) or if you are in crisis contact the Crisis Text Line at 741-741

Caleb

Viscount Caleb Pantona was not looking forward to dinner that evening.

“Her name is Lady Olivia Bano,” his mother had said, helping him into his jacket. He sighed. “I met her last week at the palace. I think you’ll enjoy her.”

“Carmine Bano’s daughter?” Caleb asked. His mother nodded. “Carmine Bano is opportunistic scum” His mother laughed.

“True, but that’s hardly the girl’s fault,” she kissed him on the cheek. “You need to marry, Caleb. I had hopes for you and Anne Brightcoast, but that Phanian friend of yours turned her head and she’s not coming back.” Caleb smiled. Anne would have been a good match, and her falling in love with Lestat Sanpierre was indeed inconvenient.

“So this is every night this winter then?” He asked. She nodded. “Bring on the debutantes, I suppose. Anton’s bound to disappoint a few of them.”

“That’s the spirit,” she smirked.

Caleb stood up as Carmine Bano and his daughter entered. Lady Olivia was wearing a simple white gown and her long red hair was down her back. Caleb thought he might swallow his tongue. She was almost otherworldly beautiful.

“Caleb,” his father said. Caleb cleared his throat and walked over to Lady Olivia.

“My lady,” he said, “I’m glad to finally meet you.” She raised an eyebrow as he kissed her hand.

“Your Grace,” she said, “I hadn’t realized my presence was anticipated.” He smiled. She was clever too.

“A beautiful woman’s presence is always anticipated,” he pointed out. She smirked. He spent dinner doing his best to engage her so she didn’t think he was a blithering idiot but he was reasonably sure he failed.

Olivia

Olivia smiled to herself the next morning as she drank her tea thinking of Viscount Caleb. She didn’t want him, but of her father’s assortment he was certainly the best. Tall, with auburn hair that curled at the ends and clear blue eyes, he also had a boyish face and an easy laugh.

“Oh Good,” John Dugarry walked in, “you’re alive.” She looked at him and giggled. “Anton and Tom will be thrilled.”

“I didn’t realize they were so concerned about my whereabouts,” she said as he sat down. “My father wanted to introduce me to some of his friends.”

“Ah,” John nodded. “Of course.” She swallowed. “Did he hurt you again?” She looked away and shook her head. “Livvie,” he said softly. “If he does, you should.”

“He wants what’s best for me,” she said. “Are you here to escort me to the palace?”

“You don’t miss anything,” he grinned. Her father walked in. “Ah, hello Lord Bano.”

“Captain Dugarry,” he said, “may I have a moment with my daughter?” John nodded and excused himself. “What does he want?”

“The Prince wants to see me,” she went to stand up, “I shouldn’t keep him waiting,” her father grabbed her wrist and she twitched. “Papa,” she whispered.

“You aren’t some tavern wench he can summon whenever he wants you,” he hissed. “Remember that, remind him of that.” Olivia nodded and he let go. She followed after her. She pulled her sleeve down and walked out with John.

“Your father’s friends,” John said. She looked at him. “So Careton?”

“Obviously,” she said. He nodded.

“Then I’d guess, Wallace, Allred,” he smirked. She sighed and nodded. “But you haven’t been to the palace in four nights so I’m missing someone.”

“Pantona,” she said softly. He laughed.

“Well, Careton’s too old, Wallace doesn’t like women, and Allred is an idiot,” he said, “Caleb Pantona though, that’s a real threat. Anton should be worried.”

“He shouldn’t,” she said. John smirked at her. “He could have come to see me himself.”

“I told him as much,” John shrugged.

“Is he serious?” She asked. “You’d know, he tells you everything.” She looked away, she hated herself for asking.

“I think he’s considering being serious,” John said. “Tom is serious. Deadly serious.” She nodded. They’d all been friends, before. John was still her friend. She wished she could pinpoint when and what exactly had changed. And she wished it didn’t give her a knot in her stomach.

Caleb

That night Caleb walked into the palace hall and looked around. He’d gone by Bano house first had been informed that Lord Bano and Lady Olivia weren’t there. He hoped they were here but he knew there was no guarantee of that either.

“Caleb?” Anne Brightcoast walked up to him, surprised. “What on earth on you doing here?” She hugged him.

“I got to town a few days ago,” he explained. “I’m sorry I haven’t been to see you.”

“Hm,” she frowned. “I’ll forgive you if you walk me in. I can’t take another night of suitors.” Caleb smile and took her arm.

“You’ll tell Les I was taking care of you,” he said. She shot him a look. “My mother is terribly disappointed, by the way.”

“About Les?” She said. “So kind of her to be so invested in my happiness.” He barked a laugh. “Just your mother then?”

“Well, I agree with her that it would be tidy,” he pointed out, “but I do want you to be happy, and I’m not the man for that particular job.” She sighed as he glanced around the hall.

“You’re looking for someone!” She gasped. He sighed loudly. “Caleb, are you in love?”

“I wouldn’t go that far, I’m just,” he frowned. “We had Carmine Bano and his daughter to dinner last night.” She frowned. “I wanted to say hello.”

“Olivia Bano?” She said. “Well, I know where you’ll find her.” He followed as she pointed to the front of the room. Lady Olivia was sitting beside Prince Anton, who was whispering in her ear and making her giggle. She looked outstandingly lovely, her dark auburn hair piled on her head and an elaborate blue gown rustling with her every move. He swallowed. “Of course as it’s Anton, I’m sure he’ll have moved on in a week or so, he usually does, but then there’s Tom Martin.” His eyes got wide.

“Tom Martin?” He said. Anne nodded. “So you’re saying the first girl I’ve found interesting in, well, ever, is being pursued by the crown prince and Cornan’s chosen champion?”

“Unfortunately,” she sighed. “But by all means say hello. She’ll probably enjoy it. You’re reasonably good looking and charming when you want to be,” She kissed him on the cheek and floated away.

Olivia

“Anton, stop,” Olivia said softly with a giggle as he kissed behind her ear gently. “Everyone’s looking.” They’d spent the afternoon in his room, she didn’t know what she was going to tell Tom, but it had been fun. She didn’t really expect more than fun from Anton, as much as she loved him.

“Let them,” he grinned, his grey eyes sparkling, “why shouldn’t everyone know I adore you?” She silenced him with a look and he leaned back. “Fine then, but you can’t disappear for a week like that again.”

“I wanted to be here,” she said, “but I can’t,” she exhaled, “my father.” She thought of the bruise forming on her wrist from where he’d grabbed her earlier. Did Anton see it?

“He doesn’t approve?” He teased.

“He has plans,” she said softly, “and I’m not sure he believes you’re serious about me.” Anton smiled. “And as I know you aren’t serious about anyone, well,” she shrugged.

“I could be serious,” he said. She picked up her wine and shook her head and laughed. “Gods, why is Caleb Pantona coming over here?” Olivia swallowed. The Viscount looked even more handsome tonight than he had before. His height and long limbs moved gracefully and his deep bow was mesmerizing.

“Your Highness,” Viscount Caleb said with a smile, but he was making eye contact with Olivia. She blushed.

“Viscount,” Anton said, he sounded annoyed. Olivia couldn’t help but be amused. “You know Lady Olivia Bano, I assume?”

“Of course, My Lady,” he took her hand and kissed it.

“Your Grace,” she said, “The Viscount’s parents had my father and me for dinner yesterday. I didn’t expect to see you again so soon.”

“I went to see you this afternoon but I believe you were already out,” The Viscount smiled, “but I was hoping to at least claim a dance.”

“Of course,” Olivia smiled. Anton was scowling. Viscount Caleb bowed again.

“Livvie,” Anton said, “you’re spoken for!” She straightened her shoulders.

“Am I?” She said. He growled something about being as good as. “Oh, you’re being ridiculous, it’s a dance Anton, I’ll dance with you and Tom too.”

“I don’t see what Tom has to do with it at all,” he glared. She rolled her eyes. Boys were impossible.

Olivia had had enough of watching Anton be absorbed by that Phanian girl, and she was angry at Tom for leaving without a thought to how it would effect them. She knew she had to explain something to her father. He’d be furious about Anton so she rushed into the hall.

“Lady Olivia,” Viscount Caleb of Pantona walked out of the library. She looked at him. “I didn’t realize you were still here.”

“I was looking for my father,” she said, “I wanted to say goodnight.”

“He retired about an hour ago,” he said. She exhaled. “If you’d like, I’ll walk you to your rooms.”

“I’d like that very much,” she said softly. It wouldn’t hurt to flirt with him a little. “Why are you still awake?” He laughed.

“I don’t sleep well,” he said, “so court life obviously suits me.” She nodded. “You?”

“I was waiting for Anton,” she said softly, “I lost track of time, obviously he did too.” He nodded. “Are you staying all summer?”

“No,” he said, “I have to get home for harvest at some point.” She cocked her head to the side. “That surprises you?”

“A little,” she said, “most of the men who,” she stopped, “I just assumed you spent most of your time in Dovetail, I mean.” He laughed lightly.

“Finish your thought,” he said, “most of the men your father threw at you.” She blushed and looked down. “I’m not an idiot, Lady Olivia,” he said, “I’m an excellent prospect and you’re hardly the first girl from a Dovetail family I’ve been flung at.” She giggled and looked up at him. “Most of them aren’t as pretty as you though.”

“Well done,” she said as they reached her door. “I’ve never seen anyone pivot quite that well.” He smiled.

“Not even Prince Anton,” he said, “or Commander Martin,” she blushed again. “I happen to be telling the truth,” he said and turned her face up, “but I think you know that. I think you’re quite aware you’re the most beautiful girl in every room you walk into.” She frowned. He’d been so honest and easy earlier, now it felt like he was flattering her and she didn’t like it.

“What do you want from me?” She said. “Besides what every other man does when he sees that girl walking in the room I mean.” He frowned, then.

“I don’t want anything from you,” he said, “why would I?” She bit her bottom lip. “Like I said before, I’m an excellent prospect, I can get that anywhere,” she swallowed, “I want you to see me, Lady Olivia,” he said, “All I care about is if you want me, if you want to be with me.” She swallowed and quickly turned and opened the door and rushed in. Her father was sitting in an arm chair with a glass of something brown in his hand.

“You’re late,” he muttered.

“I was waiting for Prince Anton,” she said softly, “I didn’t want to be rude.” He nodded. “And then I was coming back and ran into Viscount Caleb,” he stood up. “He walked me back.”

“The Duke of Careton went home tonight.” She swallowed. “He’s marrying some tenant’s daughter.” She looked down. “Did he apologize? The Prince. He made a fool of you tonight.” She exhaled, she wanted to say the right thing. He grabbed her chin. “Olivia, answer me.”

“No,” she said, “of course not, and it isn’t,” she exhaled, “he was only being polite, I’m sure.”

“And the Viscount? Are you more certain there?” He said. She looked down and then felt the heavy slap across her face. “Anton made you his whore, and now he’s moved on, so I suggest you fix it.” She nodded. “Go to sleep, I can’t stand the sight of you.” She rushed to her room and cried herself to sleep, not even changing out of her gown.

Caleb

Caleb had gone to leave when he heard shouting from the other side of the door. Then the slap and whimper. He froze. He ought to break the door down. He’s noticed certain things. The way she flinched when her father went to touch her, bruises here or there. He hadn’t wanted to believe it. But now, well, there was just no denying it.

He went to find her the next morning and found her sitting in a courtyard reading.

“Hello,” she looked up at him with a smile, but her eyes were still rimmed with red. He looked serious. “Is something wrong Your Grace?”

“I don’t know quite where to begin,” he said, “are you alright?” She swallowed.

“My feelings are a little hurt,” she said, she was trying to tease. “Anton does get distracted, but usually not quite so seriously. And with Tom and John leaving,” she swallowed. “We’ll have plenty of time to get to know one another better, I suppose.”

“That isn’t what I meant,” he whispered, and took her hand. “You can trust me.” She swallowed and stood up. “Please, Olivia, trust me.” She looked at him.

“My father lost his temper last night,” she said, “that’s all.” He looked at her. “I just have to get through the next few months, and I thought,” he exhaled. “But if Anton isn’t,” she exhaled. “I’m engaged. My father doesn’t know, he thinks I’m still, that Anton and I,” He nodded.

“But you can’t marry Tom Martin if your father beats you to death,” Caleb said gently. She stared at him. “Does he know?” She shook her head. “The Prince?” She shook it again. “Gods.” He whispered and went to hold her. “Always come to me, I’ll protect you.” She looked up at him.

“You don’t hate me?” She said. “I’d be using you!” He smiled gently.

“You’re welcome to,” he said, “I don’t feel punished by spending time with you.” She looked up at him. “I feel a little selfish, for wanting you to hide with me.” He cupped a hand gently against her face. “But I can help you Olivia, I can keep you safe, let me.”

Olivia

Olivia paced in her bedroom, Anton and Marie had announced their engagement. She was thrilled for them. Marie had asked her to served as Lady in waiting, she was honored. She’d watched the boy she once hoped to marry grow into a man who deeply loved someone, even if it was someone else.

But now she was away from the crowd and all she could feel was dread. Caleb had been watching her carefully all night, it was the only thing that had made her feel calm.

“OLIVIA!” Her father’s voice bellowed through the house. She swallowed as he opened the door, holding a leather strap.

“Papa, please,” she whispered, “please, I won’t,” but all her begging and pleading didn’t stop it, and the next thing she remembered she was standing on the front step of his house. She hadn’t changed, hadn’t done anything, just run.

Caleb

“Olivia?” Caleb said opening the door. “Come inside, darling what is it?” She was sobbing. “I’ll take your cloak.” He reached for it and she flinched.

“No,” she said, “I shouldn’t have come here, but I didn’t know,” she paused. “There wasn’t anywhere else.” He carefully touched her face.

“Come along,” he said softly, ushering her to a parlor. “Do you want tea? Something stronger.” He noticed the way the cloak was sticking to her. “Gods,” he whispered, and carefully peeled it off of her and saw her ruined gown and the gashes bleeding on her back. He was furious. He’d murder her father, if he thought it would help. “You need a healer, I’ll send to the university.”

“No,” she said, stopping him from ringing the bell. “I just,” she swallowed, “I need to get cleaned up, but I was,” she looked down. “I thought he was going to kill me, Caleb, I don’t know what to do.”

“You don’t have to do anything,” he said. “You’ll stay here.” She swallowed.

“Anton can’t know,” she said panicking and standing up wringing her hands. “He’ll think it’s his fault and it isn’t. Marie’s wonderful and he loves her,” she paced. “Tom is so far away and he hasn’t written in weeks.” He stood up and took her hands.

“Look at me,” he whispered, “you need a healer, or you’ll get infected. No one has to know if you don’t want them to.” She was still sobbing and gasping. He grabbed the bell and rang it. A girl with dark auburn hair walked in. “Go to The University and ask for a healer to come, a woman if you can manage it. And have a bath drawn and get one of my mother’s robes for Lady Olivia.” The girl nodded and rushed out. She swallowed and pressed her head against his chest. “Everything is going to be fine.”

“How?” She whispered. “He’s going to kill me,” she whispered.

“No,” he said softly, “I promise you, that won’t happen.”

Caleb sat watching the healer work over Olivia’s back, glaring at him occasionally. He didn’t blame her, it certainly looked as though he’d had something to do with this.

“You’ll be fine,” the healer said, “there’ll be scars but nothing anyone but a lover would ever see.” Olivia nodded and sat up. “Viscount.” The Healer slipped out. Olivia looked at him.

“Thank you,” she said softly. He nodded.

“Get some rest,” he whispered. “You won’t have to wear my mother’s things for long, yours will be here in the morning.” She nodded. He walked out of the room and then to the large Bano townhouse and marched in to where Olivia’s father was sitting, far too calmly, staring at the fire. “A moment, sir?”

“This is unexpected,” Carmine Bano looked at him. “Did you bring her back or do you intend to keep her?” Caleb looked at him and grabbed him from the chair and shoved him against the wall.

“She won’t be coming back here,” Caleb said, nearly growling, his hand around this man’s throat. “And if you ever try to get near her again, I’ll kill you, very simply, very cleanly.” He stepped back. “As far as your daughter is concerned, her father died tonight. Get whoever it is you pay to keep their mouths shut about whipping a girl nearly to death to pack Olivia’s things and have them sent to my house. This game is over.” He stood up and stalked out of the house and then back home.

He’d be damned before he let anyone ever hurt her again.

Olivia

Olivia woke up and twitched. Her back was still tingling, and all she could think of was the awful sting and burn of the leather where her father had struck over and over again.

She closed her eyes. Caleb had taken care of her. He’d gotten her healed and clean and given her a place to cry herself to sleep. But she would have to go home. And she didn’t know what that would look like. Her father, his reaction to this. He’d be furious, except that he could leverage this into an engagement.

“Good morning,” Caleb said softly walking in, holding a cup of tea. “Do you?” She nodded and reached out taking it. “How are you feeling?”

“Better,” she said, “Thank you.” He nodded. “I know I can’t stay here, but I appreciate it.” He looked confused. “Maybe I can go in as Marie’s lady in waiting early. She’s not technically supposed to have one yet, but,”

“Of course you can stay here,” he said. She looked at him. “I told your father as much when I saw him last night.”

“You WHAT?” She said jumping out of bed. His face was flat and serious.

“If you don’t want to, of course, we can make other arrangements,” he said softly, “but you can’t go back there, and I won’t let anyone hurt you.” She stepped closer to him. “Olivia,” he muttered cautiously.

“Caleb,” she said softly.

“Don’t play with me,” he said softly. She swallowed. “Please, I don’t know how else to say it. I’m glad to be your friend if that’s what you need from me,” he said, “but I care for you, more than I realized, and if you don’t and can’t see yourself caring for me the same way,” he exhaled, “we can’t cross that line.” She rested her hands against his chest.

“Caleb,” she smiled gently, he nodded. “Please kiss me. I’ve been thinking about you kissing me for months.” He pulled her close and kissed her gently at first. Their mouths only gently opened. She deepened her hold on him, molding her body against his and then pulled away. “Well, that was lovely,” she said softly. He smiled.

“Yes it was,” he said. They kissed again and fell back against the bed. He moved his hand to her thigh and she whimpered gently. “I’ve wanted this for a long time.” She smiled shyly.

She wasn’t an innocent. There was Tom, and Anton. But Caleb’s touch, and the way he made her feel, and the way he talked made her feel shy, like she’d never even been alone with a man, let alone had a few lovers.

“I want you,” she said softly, running her hands over his chest. He moved his kiss to her neck. He sat up, straddling over her and undressed. She leaned up on her elbows.

“Are you sure?” He asked, lowering her back down under him. “It’s the point of no return, Olivia.” She smiled and cocked her head to the side.

“I’m sure,” she whispered. He slid his hand between her legs and spread her thighs. She exhaled a whimper.

“Mm,” he said as his fingers found her soft spot. “I do like all your little noises.” She panted as he started working her gently, whimpering and writhing a bit. “Tell me what you like, Olivia.”

“This,” she groaned arching into his fingers, “I like this so much.” He moved the material off her shoulder, letting the robe fall off of her completely, then he kissed down to her chest and found her nipple and sucked on it softly. “Caleb,” she exhaled, closing her eyes. “Yes, please,” she groaned. “More.” He pulled away and then straddled her again. “Don’t stop,” she whispered.

“I just want to look at you,” he said brushing her hair off her face. “So beautiful, I can barely believe it.” She smiled as he cupped her cheek. They kissed again he pressed into her, gently, moving in and out. “Olivia,” he whispered. And he repeated it over and over again. He shuddered.

“It’s alright,” she said, “I use whip willow.” He groaned and finished. After they lay together. “I like the way you say my name.” She whispered. “You use the whole O,” he laughed, fingering her palm. “And you don’t call me Livvie, like we’re still children.”

“Olivia,” he whispered and kissed her on top of her head.

“Caleb,” she said softly.

“Come to Pantona with me,” he said, “marry me. Let me keep you safe.” She smiled and touched his face gently, he pressed his lips against her palm.

“I can’t just run away to Pantona,” she said. He sighed and stretched, still smiling but something sad in it.

“Martin?” He asked. She nodded.

“I owe him a conversation, at least,” she said gently, “I do want to marry you.” She stretched.

“How are you feeling?” He asked. She smiled.

“Fine,” she said, “good. Thank you, for being my safe place.”

“I’ll always be here,” he promised. “For you, always.” She pressed her forehead to his. “I love you,” he whispered. She exhaled, feeling safe in that declaration.

“I love you too,” she whispered.

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Believing

Carolina

I’ve only been to The Border Keep a few times. I usually stay in Pantona or Dovetail when the others come here. When Calla was a baby, I used the excuse of staying behind to care for her. But in reality, it’s that being here underlines every feeling of uselessness I have.

I don’t have networks out here, I don’t get reports. The tribes don’t like the Dumanis or the Guilds so everyone looks at me with suspicion, I wandered into a small room where Prior and Tristan were sitting with several other rangers, their dark green coats and shaggy hair giving them away.

“The rivers are shallow this year,” one of them, a woman from her voice sighed. “The Witches say it’s a sign that Amina is trying to frustrate the search.” I leaned against the door frame.

“It’s one explanation,” another said, “the other is that it was a dry winter. Only two storms.”

“Also a sign from Amina,” Prior pointed out.

“That isn’t how it works,” Tristan sighed.

“It isn’t how it works with Cornan and Rana,” Prior pointed out, he looked up. “Hello Carolina.” I waved.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to interrupt,” I said. Tristan shook his head.

“We weren’t getting anywhere,” he said, “you’re dismissed.” Most of them shuffled our. Prior raised his eyebrows at him. “You too.”

“Don’t give me orders,” he said and stood up, Tristan laughed. “I’m leaving because I want to, not because you told me to.”

“Right,” Tristan snorted. “Elodie knew what she was doing putting him with me. Sometimes I think he’s actually Athena’s twin.” I laughed and sat down with him.

“You’re going to miss him,” I said softly.

“I am,” he said. “I’m going to miss this.” I nodded. “You’re worth it.” I looked at him. “Have you decided to stay with us?”

“No,” I sighed, “I mean, no I haven’t decided.” He nodded. “I love you and I want to be with you, but I can’t do my work out here and it’s frustrating.” He grinned at me.

“You aren’t changing your work?” He said. I shrugged. “Caro.”

“I can live at Pantona and have children and do my work,” I said with a smirk. He looked at me and smiled. “So no, I won’t change it. I might need to find another contact to pass messages in the area, depending on William’s attitude when I get back.” He shook his head.

“I get to actually never speak to him again now right?” He said. “I understand that in everyone’s view imperiling the future of our world wasn’t damning enough, but sleeping with me wife?”

“You never have to speak to him again,” I said. “Though Marina is one of my closest friends, so while you forgave me more easily I am still the better person.” He laughed. “Tristan,” I said softly, “I just want to be of use.”

“I know,” he said gently. “Come on, I want to show you something.” I followed him out to the training field. There, the rangers he’d been sitting with, the royal guards we’d traveled with, several of Harran’s warriors and a group of witches were all sparring and trading techniques. I smiled.

“You’re proud of this?” I said. He grinned.

“I am,” he said, “Aaron and Marina talk about building a better world. Five years ago, this would have been impossible, even before Brayton, the crown and the tribes wouldn’t cooperate like this.” I kissed him.

“It’s very Merchant, really,” I teased him. He squinted. “They’re trading.” He laughed.

“I suppose so,” he laughed. “But don’t say that too loud.” I giggled. “Caro,” he whispered.

“Mm,” I nodded leaned back against him as he wrapped his arms around me. It felt so good, he felt so good, so relaxed. The edge to our relationship had softened.

“Thank you,” he said. “For not giving up on me.”

“Oh Tristan,” I whispered. “You can’t give up on this.” He swallowed. “You can’t, it’s so good.”

“Training Althea and protecting Calla will be good,” he said softly, “our children will be good. Being with you every single day will be good.” I wanted to smile. He’s doing the right things, saying the right things.

His arms are around me and I feel so safe there.

So why don’t I believe him? Why don’t I believe that this man is giving up something he poured his heart into for me, and willingly, happily? Why can’t I stop being angry that it’s where he put his heart, instead of with me? Am I always going to resent that he built this instead of building our life together?

And why won’t that tiny, petty voice in the back of my mind go away? The voice echoing over and over again.

He built this for her. All he ever did was leave you.

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The Bruise

Marina

I was sitting quietly writing as we’d settled in for the night when Nika walked into my tent. She looked unsettled.

“What are you doing here?” I asked. She frowned.

“I have to ask you a favor,” she said.

“Alright,” I smiled. She was being overly serious. It made me want to tease her terribly, but I knew it wasn’t my place anymore. “What’s the favor?”

“When we arrive at the keep,” she frowned. “I need you to pretend we’re still together.” I gaped at her.

“You want to lie?” I said. She nodded. “About us? That’s not like you.”

“I know,” she said, “But I can’t do it. I can’t go through this wedding and these visits, with my sister and parents, having abandoned my people, my duty to them for a love that failed.” I stood up and went and held her hands. “So perhaps we could simply, pretend?”

“Of course,” I said quietly. “Or we could,” I choked on the words. I missed her. “We could not pretend, we could be together again.”

“No,” she whispered, “no, I can’t,” she swallowed, “I can’t do that anymore.” I nodded, trying to understand.

“I am so sorry, Nika,” I whispered, “I wish I were different, I do.” She put her hands around my face.

“I don’t,” she said, “oh, I would never wish you were different. I love you.” We kissed softly. “I just know you don’t love me, and I can’t take it anymore.” I pressed my forehead to hers. “I thought I could live with it, I really did. I thought that you wanting me, and me loving you and us having our life together would be enough.”

“I do love you,” I whispered.

“You love me as you love Annalise and Athena,” she whispered, “as your friend, and compatriot, but you don’t love me the way I love you, the way you love Lefty and Tristan.” I swallowed. “It’s alright, I made peace with it a long time ago, I just can’t do it anymore.” I nudged my nose against hers.

“Come to bed,” I whispered. She sighed. “Let me show you how I love you.”

“Sex isn’t love, Marina,” she said. “I never doubted you wanted me, or how good our sex was.” I blushed a little. “I think it might be the only way I am above the others in your estimation.” I laughed. “I mean, I have no doubt both Tristan and Lefty are both satisfactory lovers, the way you whimpered that it had never been like this our first time, was quite gratifying.”

“Alright, fine,” I sighed throwing up my hands. “Sex isn’t love, but you could still come to bed.” I took her hand and led her back.

“Rina,” she whispered.

“Nika,” I smiled and kissed her. “I miss you.” She sighed. “You won’t even talk to me.”

“I have nothing left to say,” she whispered. “What happened today?” I looked at her. “With Annalise?” I sighed.

“I suggested that you and Prior form a club,” I teased. She laughed. “Everyone saw, is all that happened.”

“Poor Carolina,” Nika said softly. I nodded. She took one of my curls around her finger. “Poor you.” I smiled.

“I’ll survive it,” I said. She nodded. “You’re wrong you know. I do love you.” She sighed and looked at me. “I’d have died without you, Nika. You saved me from despair a hundred times these past four years.” She kissed me.

“So you’ll save me this time?” She whispered. I nodded.

“I’ll be perfect,” I said and kissed her. “I might even fool you into taking me back.” She rolled her eyes and onto her back, I straddled her.

“Rina,” she warned, but there was a laugh in her voice. I grinned down at her and we kissed. “This is not going to be a regular occurrence.”

“Absolutely not,” I said, unwinder her veil and running my hands over her hair. “Only tonight.” I kissed down her neck and opened her robe, then down her breasts. “I will be perfectly behaved.”

“Mm,” she exhaled, letting her arms drift over her head. I took her breast into my mouth and sucked gently. “Oh gods,” she exhaled. I wanted to make her shake and moan, worship her body.

I traced kisses down her belly to her sex and licked and kissed gently. She inhaled and then let out a moaning sigh. She tasted so sweet. The tiny hitches in her breath, as I tasted her, pleasured her, everything about Nika is so controlled, except here, except with me.

“Marina,” she lifted her hips. “Oh, my love,” I pulled back and looked at her.

“Let go,” I whispered, working my fingers into her. “Just be with me.” I kissed her and she pulled me close as she came on my hand.

“Rina,” she mumbled as I slid beside her and held her. “We can’t.” I kissed her hair.

“I know,” I said softly. “But I want you.” She rested her head against me.

“You’re spoiled,” she mumbled. I laughed. “Getting everything you want.”

“You love me,” I whispered and then kissed her.

“Unfortunately for me,” she rolled over in mock submission. “Yes, I do.” I slid into her arms and she pulled me close. “It hurts, so much, Rina.”

“I know,” I said. “I want to make it stop hurting.”

“You can’t,” Nika said gently. “You’re the bruise and being with you is just pressing on it.” I understood now.

“You’ll have to tell them eventually,” I whispered. She sighed. “Brea might even guess.”

“Brea will not guess,” she said, “Brea won’t be able to see five feet in front of her. Brea is about to marry Harran, which is everything she’s wanted since she was five years old. That this is the only thing that matters to Brea right now.” I laughed.

“She once told me that she knew many curses that would make me wish I’d never been born,” I said softly, “if anything ever happened to you, if I ever hurt you.” She looked at me.

“Really?” She said. I nodded. “Brea doesn’t actually know any curses.” She paused. “I don’t think so at least.” I laughed and kissed her.

“I’d really rather not risk it,” I smiled. She pulled me into her lap.

“Then stop hurting me,” she grinned. I sighed.

“I am trying,” I whispered and kissed her again.

“I know you are,” she said. “You’ll do this for me?” I nodded. “Thank you.”

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The Mandate

Athena

Althea and Calla sat on the floor watching Baby Carlo play after dinner. They seemed amused by him, certainly more than Calla had been that afternoon. I glanced at Alex, talking with Olivia a few times, he met my eyes and I stood up and walked outside onto the terrace.

“Did you know I asked Uncle Trey for permission to court you?” Alex said. I looked over my shoulder.

“What?” I laughed. He smiled.

“I was fifteen, I think,” he said. “So you would have been, thirteen?” I nodded. “And you were dazzling, even then. I had a whole plan, for how it would consolidate the family’s power, fully unite the Dumanis with the guard.”

“What did Trey say?” I smirked.

“That if I could beat you with a sword, I was welcome to try, but that would be what it would take,” he laughed. I smiled. “So I moved on.”

“To Caro,” I said. He nodded. “And then Emily.”

“I was powerless, when I realized I loved Emily,” he sighed. “I hated myself for it. I hated myself for hurting Caro and leaving her open to ridicule. I hated myself for giving up on loving you. That was my plan you know, like something from a novel, I would love you, while doing my duty while you became a countess.”

“Why are you telling me this?” I asked him.

“Because we don’t always get to choose, Athena,” he said softly. “I know you don’t like it. I know there’s too much Dugarry in you, too much of Martin,” she looked down. “But Calla is a part of this family, you are a part of this family.” She nodded.

“Calla may be Queen of Cammadan,” I said simply, “she will be Countess of Pantona.” He nodded. “She isn’t a Dumanis, Alex, and her future isn’t yours or Uncle Trey’s or Grandfather’s, or even mine to dictate. She’ll make her own way.”

“And what has that attitude gotten all of us?” He said. “Anton married Marie, making his own way, and it lead to estrangement from her homeland, our closest neighbor, it lead to Brayton’s rage and their deaths and over a decade of destruction.” I stared ahead at the mountain. “We won’t survive something like that again.”

“Our family?” I said. He looked at me.

“Cammadan,” he said. “Annalise’s control is precarious, everyone knows it. She has no allies outside the country besides Harran,” I swallowed. “Her stubborness regarding her marriage, and Marina’s? Naming your and Aaron’s child her heir? These aren’t the choices of someone who is thinking long term, or outside of herself.” I looked at him.

“You don’t understand,” I shook my head.

“Maybe not,” he said. “But I can’t imagine what I’m missing out of the picture.” I sighed. “Tell me what I’m missing.” I looked at him.

“You’re missing the mandate. You’re missing that none of the politics matter if we don’t free the gods, if Amina comes and we can’t stop the shadows, if we can’t free the gods, it won’t matter that Otto of Failon was insulted that Marina wouldn’t marry him, or Daniel of Phania thinks he’s too high for us. It won’t matter, Alex,” I said. “Because we’ll all be dead, the world will fall into darkness. Annalise has to follow her heart because if she isn’t free to, she’ll be blind to the path she needs to go down. Marina can’t solidify an alliance with another throne because she has to be at her side. My daughter has to be Annalise’s heir so that my bond to Cammadan’s home soil is maintained if I fall in battle, so that Cornan can stand against his sister for his chosen home.” He stared at me terrified. “You’re missing the mandate, Alex, you’re forgetting the gods.” He looked down. “Don’t do it again.” I turned away and walked inside and wiped my eyes.

It was the first time I’d said it out loud and I felt like I’d cut my wrists open. I slipped past the group and into the same small lobby where Marina had bound the three of us years ago.

“Athena?” She walked in, all of her serenity focused on me. Sometimes it was just frustrating, but right now it felt soothing. “What’s wrong?”

“It’s nothing,” I said, “just, it’s been a long day.” She smiled and sat down with me. “It was all supposed to be over by now.”

“I know,” she said softly.

“I yelled at Alex,” I said. She smiled. “It’s not his fault though.”

“I don’t think it’s anyone fault, Thena,” she whispered. “Maybe Brayton’s or Amina’s.” I smiled. “I know you’re worried.”

“I was worried five years ago,” I said. “I’m terrified now, it’s paralyzing, Marina.” She nodded. “I don’t want to leave behind a broken world for Calla and this one,” I said, my hand on my belly.

“I know that,” she said. She sat down. “None of us do.” I looked at her. “I have visions sometimes,” I nodded, “of other threads, and there’s a few,” she looked down, “I have son. With Brayton.”

“What?” I stood up.

“It’s over and over,” she explained, “A little boy, with grey Dovetail eyes and curls like mine and my father’s smile.” I blinked at her. “And he’ll never exist, not in this world.” She hugged herself. “And that’s what I’m fighting for, I’m fighting so that he never exists. And so that your children will be safe and whole.” I nodded. “You aren’t the only one who’s paralyzed by terror at what we have to do.”

“Marina,” I said softly. “I’m sorry, I didn’t,” she shook her head.

“No it’s alright,” she whispered. “I’ve never talked about it before. With anyone. I wrote it in a letter to Damian once, and then burned it before I could send it.” Her knees were curled to her chest. “Caro is miserable because she can’t have a baby. Elodie and I treat women who’ve lost their’s all the time and I am fighting so that my little boy is never born and the world stays whole for yours.”

“My boy,” I whispered. She nodded. “How long have you known?” She laughed.

“Just now when I said it,” she shrugged. “It isn’t particularly precise, that magic.” I laughed. “But yes, you’re carrying a boy, it seems very obvious now.” I smiled.

“My boy,” I whispered softly. She nodded. “I’m sorry.” She shrugged. “You don’t want to have Brayton’s child?”

“No,” Marina said, “no, because that would require many terrible things.” She looked sad. “I would like to have a child. Nika doesn’t, and I have no idea what Damian,” she looked down. “And he has my father’s smile.” I wrapped my arm around her.

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Proud

Marina

“And then I’m going to anoint you,” I said going over the ceremony for Raymond’s Mastero vows. He was the first in nearly twenty years to do it. “Rose oil and mud mixed from the soil of the valley.”

“You anoint me with mud?” Raymond said. I shrugged. “Cornan’s so weird.” I laughed. “Then I say the vow, ‘I am at the service of the gods and their knowledge in this world, blah blah blah,” I nodded. “And then I’m a Mastero.”

“And then you’re a Mastero,” I said and smiled at him. He sighed. “We’re all very proud of you. I’m sure Eric and Damian are too.” He smiled.

“Will your father come?” He asked. I smiled. Papa was already on his way.

“It was meant to be a surprise,” I stood up. He laughed. “Evan is worried.”

“About me?” He said. I nodded.

“He said you’ve been Dreaming,” I explained. “More violently than usual.”

“Oh,” he said softly, “that.” I sighed.

“Yes,” I matched his tone. “That.” He sighed.

“It’s nothing new, the wheel, the two of them screaming. Karina on a throne engulfed in flames,” he sighed. “I’m supposed to help her but I don’t know how.”

“We’ll both help her,” I assured him. He nodded. “I’m a little jealous,” I admitted, “before the other week with the shadow, I hadn’t Dreamed in months.” He squinted at me.

“You don’t miss it?” He was disbelieving. I shrugged. “Gods, Marina, I thought we all hated it.” I smiled. “Have you and Nika made up yet?”

“No,” I said softly, “I don’t think we will honestly.” I sat down again. “I keep thinking about Damian. How much I miss him, and how he wouldn’t have been angry at me,” I frowned.

“You’re deluding yourself if you think Lefty finding you half dressed with Tristan Dugarry wouldn’t make him the angriest person to ever live,” Raymond said. “I know it’s been four years, but have you completely forgotten what he’s like, especially when it comes to you?”

“He wouldn’t!” I argued. “I mean he did, not the half dressed part. And I wasn’t half dressed that night,” I looked at him. “He was very understanding.” I crossed my arms.

“You’re romanticizing because you miss him,” Raymond said, slowly, as if talking to a child. I glared at him. “If you walked into a room, and saw Elaine Addison draped over Lefty, him whispering to her, you wouldn’t care?” I glared at him.

“I once walked into Lisette’s bedroom and she was riding Tristan while naked,” I pointed out. “And all it did was make me laugh.”

“I’m not talking about Tristan,” he said. “I’m definitely not talking about Tristan and Annalise. I’m talking about the person you love and gave your whole self to, with the person who you worry they’ve given more to.” I looked down. “Nika gave up her whole world, to be with you. And she left you, and now you’re here talking about someone else.”

“Stop being so damn wise,” I grumbled, “it’s annoying.” He laughed. “You’re wrong.” He said.

“Maybe,” he said, “but you never gave in to her, the way she did to you, because you’ve just been waiting. Waiting to find the gods, or Brayton, or for Lefty to come back.” I looked him. “But Nika gave up her life for you, you should be sensitive to that.” I looked at him.

“Do you feel that way?” I asked. He shrugged.

“Sometimes?” He admitted. “I could have gone home, been with my family, with Lefty and Eric and I wouldn’t have Evan, or you or have become a mastero,” he shrugged. “But I’d be safer, in ways.” I rested my head on his shoulder.

“I’m so proud of you,” I said softly. He nodded. “Do you know the thing I hate Brayton from taking me from the most?” He looked at me. “I hate that he took you and Lisette from me. I hate him for it, more than anything else. We could have grown up together, we could have had inside jokes and played and known each other better than anyone.” She exhaled. “And he took that from us. He took it when he killed Lisette’s parents, when he imprisoned my father and refused to let him take us back to Phania. Over and over again.” He looked at me. “He took so much, but the thing I hate him for the most was taking that from the three of us, what we could have had, what we could have been.”

“I’ve never thought about that,” he admitted. “I wish we’d grown up together too.” I sighed. “Have you tried apologizing to her?”

“Yes,” I mumbled. “She won’t even talk to me.” I frowned. “Some of the people arguing against Calla today,” I shook my head, “I had no idea that they were on my side. How could I not know that?”

“I don’t know,” he said, “They probably aren’t, they probably just hate Aaron.” I laughed. “I’m going to be a Mastero, Marina. When I came here, I thought I had no future. And now I’m a Mastero. We can change anything, we’re not bound to fate.”

“I know,” I smiled and hugged him. “I’m proud of you, like I said, I don’t think I’ll ever say it enough.”

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Recollections

Annalise

“Are you going to wear a veil?” Mercy asked as she fingered the light green material in front of her. I glanced at Nika.

“It would be respectful,” Nika said, “for the wedding itself and maybe the first meetings with each tribal leader, but I don’t think you need to be veiled the whole time.”

“Brea doesn’t wear the veil,” I pointed out. Nika smirked.

“Brea will be veiled at her wedding, Your Majesty,” she said, “quite elaborately. I’ve seen the designs and the beginning of the weaving.”

“Mm,” I sighed, “alright then, have a few made, but nothing too ostentatious.” Nika smiled at me as the seamstress left. “I hate this.”

“You’ve gotten better at it,” Mercy said. “Your first year I would sometimes cry over how hopeless you were at picking your clothes.” She looked at Nika. “She tried to wear a uniform to her coronation ball.”

“And this is bad?” Nika’s raised her eyebrows. Mercy sighed.

“Marina would understand,” she said and then stopped. “That is,” Nika rolled her eyes.

“I’m not going to fall apart at the mere mention of her,” Nika said. “I’m angry and sad not suddenly fragile.” I smiled at her. “How was the council vote?”

“Mercifully brief,” I said with a smile. “Calla is now my heir. Mercy, I do need to talk to you and Elodie though.”

“About Althea being her protector?” Mercy said. “I think it’s a very good idea.” I smiled. “You were worried I’d be resistant?”

“A little,” I said, “I assumed Elodie would be enthusiastic.”

“Yes, well,” Mercy said, “among other things it’s what Althea wants, and I’d like my daughter to grow up happy.” I looked at her and she sighed. “Children deserve that from their parents.” I smiled at her.

“Of course,” I smiled. Nika nodded. “I should wear more blue, shouldn’t I?”

“Some grey,” Nika said, “remind everyone you don’t favor any god in particular.” I glanced at her. “Annalise,”

“Amina is my enemy even if she isn’t yours,” I pointed out. “I won’t honor her, even to make the tribes comfortable.”

“I can’t imagine anyone in any tribe expecting a daughter of Anessa and Mariah to honor Amina,” Nika shook her head. “But they’d be more favorable to Rana than Cornan.” I nodded. I looked at her.

“Are you alright?” I said softly. She sighed.

“No,” she muttered, “but I will be.” I hugged her. “How did you forgive them?” I laughed.

“I met Eric?” I exhaled. She sighed. “Not particularly helpful advice, I know.”

“Carolina advised patience and acceptance,” she mumbled.

“Well,” I frowned and picked up a pieced of blue lace and wound it around my hair, “Carolina is a saint. We’re merely human.” She laughed. “The first time I found them together I went back to my room and broke a mirror.”

“You said that was a Dream!” Mercy gasped. I rolled my eyes at her.

“I lied,” I giggled. “Of course before that anytime Tristan brought up her name I made him change the subject.” Nika sighed.

“It’s odd,” she muttered, “if I found her with Lefty, I’d forgive her in a moment, but I saw her lying in Tristan’s arms and I lost my mind.”

“Of course,” Mercy said, sitting next to her, “she admits her feelings for Lefty. She’s in complete denial about Tristan.” I looked at her. “I’ve known her longer than both of you. And I loved her first.” She kicked her feet onto the table. “Nika, have you any idea how jealous I was, the first time I saw Marina kiss you? If I’d known she liked girls, well,” she huffed, “our girlhood would have been quite different, I can tell you.” I laughed.

“I had no idea,” I said. Mercy shrugged.

“I got over it,” Mercy said, “I met Elodie. But still, old wounds.” I thought of my own old wounds.

“Really?” Nika said. “You never even kissed her?” Mercy giggled.

“If you think she’s preoccupied by him now!” Mercy said. “You have no idea what it was like when we were younger. She basically a ghost unless Tristan was talking to her.” I looked at her. “But she trusted me, and that was enough. I was jealous of her, because her father wasn’t trying to marry her off to some old man who worshipped Brayton.” I looked at her. “But she was also so beautiful, just being near her,” she shook her head. “I’m just saying I don’t blame him. It was dark here, and she was a very bright light. It’s a hard habit to break.”

“Habit or not,” Nika frowned, “I’m done indulging it.” I looked at her and circled my arm around her. “I just want to go home. I want to be with my sister, and my people and,” she exhaled. “It doesn’t matter, are we finished?” I nodded. “Thank you for trusting me with this, Your Majesty.”

“Of course,” I said as she left. I collapsed next to Mercy. “If we don’t find the gods on this trip I’m going to the sea, drowning myself and asking Rana what in the hell her problem is.” Mercy laughed. I sighed. “I don’t want to go to this wedding.” I groaned.

“Maybe Harran will pull a Tristan,” Mercy raised her eyebrows. I looked at her. “Get all in his feelings and take you to bed before going through with it anyway.”

“That is terrifically unlikely to happen,” I said softly. “And if Tristan had come to my bed instead of Marina’s he would not have gone through with the wedding.” She patted me on the thigh.

“Whatever helps you sleep at night, Your Majesty.” She stood up.

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Family

Athena

I woke early and went to the training yard with Tristan and watched as the newest recruits worked. It had been a long time since we’d been here and it was crowded and full of life. Elodie saluted me from where she was stationed and I smiled back. I looked at my brother.

“I’m taking Calla to see Uncle Trey this afternoon,” I said softly, “are you coming?” He looked at me.

“Until Trey and Grandfather take Caro’s side over her father, I’m afraid I can’t,” he shrugged. I nodded. “Are Alex and Emily still there?”

“I don’t think so,” I said. “But if they are, I’ll invite them here, I know Caro would like it.” He nodded. “How is she?” I asked. He raised an eyebrow. “How are you?” I tried.

“Things are,” he exhaled, “They’ve been better, I suppose.” I looked at him. “I don’t know what to do anymore, Thena. She’s miserable and I can’t fix it.”

“You could stay put for two days in a row,” I said, “that might help.” He looked at me and sighed.

“It’s more than that,” he said, “I talked to Marina last night, and I can barely look at Lisette because I know it will upset Caro.” I nodded. “Do you think a baby would fix it?”

“She wants to be a mother,” I reminded him, “but she also wants to be your wife.” He looked at me. “It would fix her loneliness, and her feelings of purposelessness.” He looked down. “But she’s heartbroken, Tristan, I don’t think it can fix that.”

“Maybe this trip will be good for us,” he sighed, “I don’t know anymore.” I smiled softly at him. “This was all your idea, by the way.” I raised my eyebrows.

“You forming the rangers and never coming home was my idea?” I asked.

“The marriage was your idea,” he said. I smiled.

“You could have said no,” I shrugged, “spent you life mooning after Marina unencumbered by a wife.” He kicked dirt at me.

A few hours later I was standing in front of Trey’s townhouse, with my hand in Calla’s.

“Mama,” she said as I knocked, I looked at her. “Why didn’t Lady Althea come with us? Isn’t she supposed to come with me everywhere?” I laughed.

“Yes,” Athena said, “but today is so you can see Uncle Trey, I’m sure he’ll get to know Lady Althea in good time.” The door opened.

“Ah, Lady Athena,” the butler smiled. “Welcome home.”

“Thank you, Emmet,” I said and walked past him. “May I present my daughter, Viscountess Calla.”

“Your Grace,” Emmet bowed. Calla wrapped around my leg. “I see.”

“Emmet, can you see to it,” Emily DuCray waltzed through the door and her face broke into a wide smile. “Oh Athena!” She squealed and ran over and embraced me. “Oh I’m so glad you’re here. We’ve been frantic since you got to the city! I was going to send a note to Caro this afternoon.”

“Emily,” I said softly, “you know she can’t come.” She frowned. “But you and Alex must come to the palace.” She smiled sharply.

“Of course,” she said. She looked at Calla and knelt down, “Hello Viscountess, and how are you this afternoon?”

“Quite well, thank you,” Calla managed before sticking her thumb back in her mouth.

“Calla, love, this is Mistress Emily, she’s Aunt Caro’s sister,” I smiled. Calla brightened. “Is Uncle Trey available? I sent a note!”

“He and Alex and arguing over some deal with Failon,” Emily sighed, “Prince Otto claims the racing studs Lotte sent him are subpar and Lotte is insisting it isn’t her fault Otto over trained the foals and they were exhausted by the time of races. It’s a mess.” I laughed. “Would you like to see Carlo?”

“I would,” I said. “Calla, would you like to meet your baby cousin?” Calla nodded and we followed Emily into the nursery. Calla rushed to the little boy playing on the floor. Carlo was nearly a year and a half old by now, so he was hardly a baby. “He’s beautiful,” I said. Emily beamed.

“Thank you,” she sighed. “I’ll bring him when I come to the palace, I want Caro to meet him.” She shook her head. “My father is so obstinate. Not that the old man is any better, they’re both refusing to even have the fight, even though your grandfather is squarely on Tristan and Caro’s side.” I smiled.

“That’s good to hear,” I said. “I always thought the hearing of the challenge would end it.” Emily sighed.

“It has for everyone but Papa,” Emily shrugged. “Everyone in Dorin says he looks like Alex.” I smiled at her.

“So he does,” I nodded. “Everyone in Pantona says she looks like Olivia.”

“Mm,” Emily smiled. “I see it. That hair though! Not auburn like everyone else or blonde like us,” she shook her head. “Her debut will be interesting.” I snorted.

“Unless Lisette pulls herself together, I doubt the heir to throne will have the option to debut in Dorin,” I shrugged. Emily raised her eyebrows. “Council votes this afternoon, it’s done.”

“That is something,” she said, “won’t you grandfather be pleased?” I laughed.

“Oh terribly,” I muttered. “Aaron is too. It might be the only thing they agree on.” She laughed.

“Ah there they are,” Uncle Trey walked in and kissed me on the cheek, “hello Countess.”

“Uncle,” I smiled. “We were discussing Calla’s ascension.” He grinned.

“Ah yes,” he sighed happily, “Tom wrote me of it.” I nodded. “It’s quite an honor.” I looked at all of them, Emily nodded to a servant and we all walked into Trey’s office.

“What can you tell me?” I asked. Alex was leaning against the window. “Hello Cousin.”

“Hello,” he grinned. “There’s not much new. Rastan is jumpy with the king’s health. Raniere seems to want to marry as soon as possible after he’s crowned.” I nodded.

“Will he make an offer?” I said. This was more Aaron’s department but he was busy.

“Not to Annalise,” Emily shook her head. “He doesn’t want her building an empire on his back.” I exhaled.

“Marina then,” I said. Emily nodded. “Cornan’s beard, that’s complicated.”

“We know,” Trey said. “She has no reason to refuse a king, who’s the right age, who will at least claim to want a peaceful alliance.”

“Phania will hate it,” Alex said.

“Phania hates everything we do,” I shrugged, “Marina will hate it, that’s what’s trickier.”

“A delayed betrothal?” Trey suggested. I swallowed and my hand fell to my belly. “Like Queen Elana negotiated for Princess Karina.”

“Aaron won’t betroth Calla, or this one” I shook my head, “nor will I, or Annalise. It isn’t Cammadie.” Trey sighed.

“Your mother’s daughter,” he muttered, but he was smiling. “Of course, you’re right, it is not Cammadie to betroth children, but expectations are another thing entirely. This whole mess with Phania comes from Annalise and Eric being expected for each other, official betrothal or not.”

“So your suggestion, Uncle,” Emily said, “is that even should Marina refuse him, which, as it’s Marina is terribly likely, we mention the expectation of Calla for any of Raniere’s sons?”

“My daughter is not a bargaining chip,” I said. “That is end of the conversation.” I stormed out of the room and back to the nursery.

“Mama,” Calla ran over, “Cousin Carlo is a very nice baby, but might we go back now? He can’t even talk!” I laughed and scooped her up.

“Of course darling,” I said. “Would you be terribly upset by tea with some grownups first?” She sighed loudly.

“If we absolutely must.” She sighed dramatically. I suddenly understood why the protectors were usually placed so young with their charges. A friend in situations like this is invaluable. I always had Tristan, and while we didn’t get to be those people for Annalise, Aaron was. Calla is already cleaving to Althea.

I walked her into the parlor and she settled next to me. Normally I would make her be more friendly but I was frustrated with all of them. Suddenly every single moment, every barb Martin shot at Trey about our future, every protective gesture the Pantonas put over us, down to the uniform I still wear makes sense.

Trey loved us. He still would have sold us. I let him sell Tristan, it’s only Carolina’s strong heart that saved them both from becoming pawns.

Alex looks at me, and an understanding passes between us. He and Emily have to choose now. I’m finished mediating.

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Discontented

Carolina

I woke up with sunlight peaking through the curtains and pulled the covers over my head.

“Caro,” Tristan’s voice sing songed. I peaked back out. “Are you awake?”

“I am not,” I said firmly. He laughed and kissed me. “I’m sleeping, go away.” He kissed me again.

“But I’m home,” he said, sliding under the covers with me.

“You’ve been home for three days,” I reminded him, “and I’ve enjoyed it, but you’re rather tiring my love.” He smiled and kissed my neck.

“Ah,” he said, pulling my hips to him. “But I was in the wilderness for four months,” I giggled, “and the thought of tiring you out was the only thing keeping me sane.” I kissed him again.

“The only thing?” I said. He nodded. “Your mission didn’t come into your mind?” He sighed and kissed me.

“Tragically,” he shook his head, “you know I tend to be singularly focused, and this round it was, ‘I am going to go home as soon as possible and make my wife moan for three days straight.'” I laughed.

“Well Commander, you succeeded beautifully,” I kissed him. “But I ask for a slight reprieve.” He sighed. I kissed him. “Now, we can’t put off everything else we have to do.” He groaned as the door opened.

“Lady Dugarry,” our maid, Elsie smiled dropping a tray on the table, “Sir Tristan.”

“Thank you Elsie,” I said standing up and opening the curtains. Tristan pouted at me. “As you can see, Sir Tristan is behaving like a child this morning.”

“Yes, ma’am,” Elsie laughed. “Shall I send word to the Countess not to expect you, again?”

“You can send word to the Countess that she can hang in the village square for all I care,” Tristan grumbled, “as if my sister would attend a godsdamned dinner party after a four month ranging mission.” I kissed him gently.

“We can’t put them off again,” I said, “please tell the Countess we look forward to seeing her tonight.” Elsie nodded and left. “You know,” I said slipping back into bed and straddling him, “when Alex and Emily came through I bought several new gowns and I haven’t gotten to wear them at all.” He laughed at my pout.

“The gowns can hang along with my sister,” he said and flipped me onto my back. I groaned as he started touching me. “When we go to Dovetail, we’ll hardly have any time alone, here,” I whimpered, “I have you all to myself, just as I prefer it.”

“Oh Tristan,” I sighed. I’m weak. I know I should tell him no, that we’ve delayed long enough and we can’t spend another day simply making love.

But I’ve missed him too. Four months is the longest we’ve ever been apart. And his times out in Westran or east in Failor were getting longer.

“Tell me you like it,” he whispered in my ear.

“You know I do,” I teased and nibbled on his bottom lip. He smirked as he pressed into me. We always have this. The physical distance between us can become emotional, but in when we’re in bed, it’s the same as when we first met. We want each other and everything else doesn’t matter. “Tristan, oh gods,” I moaned, arching up into him. “I can’t, I’m going to,” I exhaled and clenched around him.

“Hang on a bit longer, sweet,” he said, “stay with me.” I nodded and cried out as we both finished. “I missed being with you so much, Caro,” he whispered. “Sometimes I thought I was Dreaming.” I smiled and kissed him.

“I felt that too,” I said softly, resting my hand on his chest. “We still have to go to the manor tonight. Athena’s likely to break down our door and then make Aaron evict us if we avoid it any longer.” He laughed.

“I don’t think he can evict us,” Tristan said, “the house was a part of our wedding contract. Unless someone in Dorin takes Andrei’s challenge seriously, he can’t get rid of us.” I barked out a laugh.

“Well, then we’re perfectly safe, since Alex has everyone in Dorin fully convinced that Andrei is out of his mind,” I said. “But we’d better not risk it.” He sighed and I kissed him. “Tristan,” I whispered, “please.”

I knew why he wanted to stay in bed, what he hoped it would lead to.

“Have you spoken to Marina about it?” He whispered. I nodded. “And?”

“Well, she said it will happen on the goddess’s timeline, not ours,” I slipped a robe on.

“Which is Marina for, be patient, the baby will come?” He asked. I shrugged.

“I think,” I kissed him, “it also means that even if we spend every moment we’re together having sex, only being together for a few days every few months, means we can’t count on anything.” He sighed and sat up. I straddled him and pressed my hands against his chest. He had so many scars now. There had been a few I’d always known, the one on his side from taking Dovetail, the small one on near his eyebrow, from a time Athena accidentally cut him as a child. But there were two on his right pectoral now, several on his back. Three on each thigh.

And I was never there for the healing, for his pain. I hated that, I wanted to be, so badly, but it was something he kept hidden away, like so many other parts of himself.

“You’re right,” he sighed. “But I know how badly you want it.” I smiled.

“I do,” I said softly. “But you’re home, and safe, and I can’t ask the gods for more than that,” he kissed me. “This one is new,” I said softly brushing his shoulder.

“Mm,” he nodded, “we walked into a briar nest, it was fine.” I nodded.

“Why didn’t Prior come here with you?” I asked. Tristan’s ranging partner sometimes came here. He frowned.

“He was in rather a hurry to get on to Dovetail,” he muttered. I frowned.

“Oh,” I said softly, “I hadn’t realized they were still,” he shrugged.

“She has to entertain herself somehow,” he sighed.

“Tristan,” I said quietly. Though that at least got him out of bed. I wanted to say something, but anything I’d say on the subject would sound hollow, jealous. She isn’t replacing you, no one could. I have to believe that. Annalise’s lovers have nothing to do with Tristan, because if they do, then what does our marriage mean? I know I can’t be what she was to him. I’d never even bothered to try.

“I’m sorry,” he said, “I know you didn’t mean,” I kissed him. “I’ll get dressed, we’ll walk into town, and then to the manor.” I nodded. “I brought some things for Calla.” I grinned.

“She’s missed you too, you know.” I said. “Annalise is considering giving her the circlet soon.” He looked at me.

“That’ll be sure to calm the Phanians down,” he said. I shrugged.

“Nothing else has,” I sighed, “we got some word that Lord Lestoff is rebuilding his launches, that’s good news, if the ferries start running.” He smirked.

“Any news from Brinecliff is good news,” he muttered. I shook my head.

“You don’t get to resent Annalise having Prior and Marina pining for Lieutenant Lestoff at the same time, love,” I teased. He laughed. “And us not having a child. It’s too much. Even you can’t sustain that level of brooding.”

“I’m very good at it though,” he grinned. I shook my head. “What is it you want to do today, besides dinner?”

“I have to go into town,” I said, he groaned. “I haven’t checked in in a few days, something may have happened.”

“I won’t speak to him,” he said.

“Oh that will be new a different,” I grinned. “You two are usually on such good terms.” He glared at me. “Tristan, he’s a useful contact. I can either do my job well, or I can ostracize William, it cannot be both.”

After I was inducted into the guard, it became abundantly clear that I was not a fighter. But Dowager Countess Olivia quickly observed how my merchant trained manners set people at ease, and how my contacts through Alex and Emily could keep the army up to date. So instead of a soldier I became a spy. I’m very very good at it.

Tristan hates it.

That is the least of our problems.

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Proposal

After waking up and lining up our ducks. (I sent Marina and Aaron to greet them. They’re good at people and manners and I need to catch my breath.) Olivia was helping me dress. Marina had chosen the clothes, a green uniform dress and the crown of the goddess. I was supposed to look splendid and terrible. I mostly felt ridiculous.

He looks different than my visions, but I knew him immediately. And I felt at ease. Eric. Prince Eric, My Eric, I probably shouldn’t drop the title. But it was like everything felt easy, when he took my hand.

Marina is sitting studying in the parlor now. I walked out and sighed loudly and flopped on an armchair.

“Can I help you?” She asked not even looking up from her books.

“What time do I have to change tonight?” I asked.

“Around 7 I suppose,” she said. I frowned. “You could try taking a nap.” I wrinkled my nose. “Annalise, I can either keep working and unlock the battle magic secret or entertain you this afternoon.” I laughed. “Go bother Aaron, I’m sure he’s plenty bored too.” I stood up and kissed her on the cheek.

“I am sorry for bothering you,” I said and she swatted at me and giggled. She’s changed so much in the past few months, and it’s a good change. I walked out into the gardens, wondering who if anyone I’ll come upon. I want to spend more time with the courtiers, but I think they all think I’m odd.

“Lisette,” Prince Harran called to me from across the lawn, he was standing with Tristan. I wanted to be furious with him after this morning, but seeing him, “That is, Your Majesty. Did I tell you, Captain Dugarry about my great shame when I first met our queen.”

“My great triumph,” I said straightening my shoulders. Tristan raised his eyebrows. “Prince Harran came to Pantona, when I was fourteen, with some very potent whiskey.”

“Ah,” Tristan nodded, “And Queen Annalise, or Lady Lisette as she was then,” he looked at me, that melancholy way of his, “drank most of it.”

“Here was this little girl, charming of course, and very beautiful,” Harran said, “and she sat down with me in Pantona’s study as I opened the bottle and asked for some. And then, I think it may have been at the Viscount’s urging, we wound up in a contest, and I found myself unable to stand while Lisette continued to pour herself drinks.” I giggled.

“it was not ladylike, but I was proud of myself,” I said. “I’m glad you’ve come.”

“The Chieftans insisted, my brothers were put out,” he said. “They want to court you,” I laughed. “Harran’s already had his chance at Pantona! I said they can line up behind half the men in Cammadan and most in Rastan and Phania.” I smiled.

“It’s a lot to handle,” I said, seeing Tristan’s face darken. “Which is why familiar faces and old friends can be helpful.” He nodded and bowed. “You’re still angry.”

“I’m frustrated,” he said. “Harran’s right by the way and it’s been hell.” I took his hands and lead him away from the crowd. We kissed then. “Last night, I thought we could change all that.”

“I want to,” I said, “Tristan I do, really.”

“So marry me,” he spit out. I kissed him. “I’m serious.”

“I can’t,” I said, “you know why I can’t, we’ve talked about it!” He frowned.

“Because the court wouldn’t like me, and Rastan and Phania’s honor must be served,” he frowned. “You sent away all the Provenance heirs, except Aaron, obviously.” I sighed. “Lisette, don’t argue with me, just,” I closed my eyes.

“Tristan, I can’t marry you,” I said, “I thought I’d always made that clear,” I wanted to cry, I might have been crying, come to think of it. “I love you, only you but, I can’t,” he nodded.

“Fine,” he whispered and kissed me again and then walked away. I feel like my heart is torn in two. I ran inside and luckily Marina had left. I walked into my room flopped on the bed and kept crying. I didn’t hear the door open, but then I heard Athena’s voice as she sat down and stroked my hair.

“That idiotic boy,” she muttered, “I’d strangle him if I could bring myself to.” I sat up and looked at her. “Honestly, I know he’s my brother, but he doesn’t deserve you and you don’t deserve any of this.” I smiled.

“Did they send you to fetch me?” I said. “I have a lot to do, I know, but I just,” she shrugged.

“It’s alright, we’ve told everyone you’re worn out,” she shrugged. “I don’t think it’s untrue, but you still need to make an appearance tonight.” I wiped my eyes. “What do you think of him?” I looked at her.

“I don’t know yet,” I said softly. “I was so surprised this morning, I thought I had  more time.” She nodded. “Athena,” I whispered, “don’t tell anyone, about what Tristan asked. Not Aaron or Martin, please, I couldn’t take it.” She pressed her lips into her mouth.

“Alright,” she said. “What about Marina?” I sighed. Marina and I were at an understanding about Tristan finally, this morning not withstanding, but this was different.

“I’ll talk to Marina,” I said softly, “eventually.” She nodded.

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