What If?

I woke seeing Damian sitting up. I looked at him then noticed it was still dark out.

“Where are you going?” I asked. He laughed and kissed me.

“I didn’t want to wake you,” he whispered. I nodded. “But I probably shouldn’t be found here either.” I nodded. “I will see you in the morning.”

“No,” I whispered and took his hand, “stay a little longer.” He laughed and kissed my hand.

“No,” he said. “I’ll come again tomorrow night, if you’d like.” I nodded. “Sleep well, my love.” I fell back against the pillows and exhaled. I wasn’t going to be able to sleep anymore no matter how hard I tried. I wrapped myself in a cloak and walked to my maze. I reached the center and found Tristan at the fountain.

“Hello,” I said softly. He looked at me.

“Hello,” he smiled. “I can’t sleep.” I nodded.

“Me neither,” I said and took his hand. “Do you know her name?” He looked at me. “This girl you’re going to marry?”

“Carolina DuKarras,” he said softly, “nothing is decided or final, of course, but that’s who Grandfather and Uncle Geno have in mind. Alexander, my cousin, said she’s pretty at least, and she’s rich.” He skipped a rock against the pond. “She’s a good candidate for me because her father’s main territory is the midlands.”

“Ah,” I whispered softly, “so with Athena being married to Aaron.” He nodded. “I slept with Lefty last night.” He looked at me. “I’m so in love with him, Tristan, I sometimes can’t breathe.” He nodded.

“You’re frightened?” He asked. I nodded. “Of him?”

“No,” I sighed, “no, it’s just, before him, there’s was only you, and we,” I looked down, “we knew everything about each other.”

“And he’s a stranger?” He said. I nodded. “I’m tying my future to a girl I’ve never seen, and you had a stranger in your bed. I feel the two very serious children who sat in Brayton’s dining room would disapprove heartily of us.” I giggled and he laughed too. “I’ll miss you.” I slid my hand into his. “I still have that handkerchief, you know,” I blushed. “The one you gave me when I went to Pantona.”

“I remember,” I said softly. “That feels so long ago.” He nodded and leaned down and kissed me softly.

“I thought it was my turn this time,” he whispered and slipped a simple gold bangle into my hand. I saw the small AD engraved into it.

“Tristan,” I whispered.

“It was my mother’s,” he said. I nodded and he slipped it over my hand onto my wrist. “Don’t tell Athena. I think it’s technically supposed to be a part of her dowry but I doubt Aaron would miss it.” I laughed but I realized I was also crying.

“I hope she deserves you,” I said softly.

“I hope he does,” he said. “I need you to watch out for Athena,” he said softly. I looked at him.

“She has Aaron,” I said. He nodded.

“Aaron is in love with her,” he said, “he doesn’t see when she loses control,” he exhaled. “Sometimes she needs someone to pull her back.” I nodded understanding.

“And who will pull you back?” I whispered. He laughed and kissed my hand again.

“I’ll have to rely on my memories of you and Athena for that,” he said softly. I nodded.

“Have you seen Lisette?” I asked. He shook his head. “Tristan!”

“I can’t, Rina,” he exhaled. “If I stop to say goodbye to her, I won’t go.” I nodded and kissed him on the cheek going back to the palace and then to our apartments. Annalise was standing on the balcony looking out as we watched his horse exit through the gates. She was crying and I slipped my arm around her.

“Can I not be the queen?” She asked softly. I looked at her. “Aaron and I used to play a game, you see,” she exhaled. “What if I was Lisette? What if Annalise was someone else, another girl, hidden somewhere else. What if I was really just Lisette, a the daughter of a barmaid and a Phanian sailor who died or abandoned her? What if one day a travelling soldier came to Pantona, and I loved him?” She was sobbing now. “So you see if I wasn’t the queen, I could be married to Tristan. If I was Lisette, I’d be training to be in the guard now, because his wife will be expected to,” she exhaled, “I’ll have to smile at her, and call her Lady Dugarry and induct her and it’s going to be the worst thing I have to do.”

“I’m glad that you’re you,” I said softly. She looked at me. “I understand what you’re saying,” I looked down, “but this other Annalise, I don’t know who she would be.” She smiled. “And you can’t not be queen, because then have to be and I don’t see that going terribly well.” She laughed.

“I suppose not,” she said and blinked at me. “I think Mercy owes me money.” I blinked at her.

“You bet on tonight?” I sighed. She nodded. “Goddess, that’s dignified behavior.” She giggled. “I don’t want him to go.” She smiled.

“I am trying,” she said softly, “not just for your sake, I promise, I really do care for Eric, it’s just he’s not,” I nodded. “It’ll be easier now, I think.”

“I hope so,” I whispered. “And there’s still the other thing.” She nodded. “He can’t come to Brightcoast, Annalise, I feel that, so deeply, it’s,” she swallowed.

“I know,” she said. “He’ll stay here, Anselm is going to as well.” I nodded. “If I haven’t killed him by then.”

“Anselm, or Brayton?” I smirked. She laughed.

“Both,” she said, “or either.” She hugged me. “I’m so glad I’m not alone.” She whispered, I understood her completely.

Afterglow

Lefty...Damian…is asleep now. I can’t sleep, I’m too happy.

Well, I mean, I am happy, but I’m also worried, and distracted and I’m not sure what else. After the ball wound down, I escorted Annalise back to her room. She was distracted, I can’t imagine what she’s feeling, with Tristan going away now. I hurried back to my room and undressed. I loved the gown that I had finally settled on, but I felt as though I ripped it off. I glanced at my normal night gowns and swallowed. I didn’t know if I should put one on, but before I had much time to think about it, there was a knock on the door and he walked in.

“Hello,” I managed to say, suddenly feeling quite shy. He smiled.

“Hello,” he said and kissed me softly. “You’re still sure?” I nodded and took his hand and we walked to the bed, still kissing I exhaled as we lay down and he straddled me. “I love you.”

“I love you,” I whispered and swallowed as he undressed me, “Lefty,” I whispered, as he used his hand inside of me. I knew I liked this, from William, obviously.

“Damian,” he whispered in my ear and kissed it. “If I’m your lover, Rina, I’d rather you called me by name.”

“Damian,” I exhaled, it felt right, he kissed me and well, the rest I can’t write down, but he made love to me. I think I said his name a hundred more times. Afterwards, he held me for a while and we were quiet.

“Are you alright?” He asked. I rested my chin on his chest. “Did I hurt you?” I smiled.

“A bit,” I mumbled and kissed him. He nodded. “But it was,” I tried to think of the right word, “nice.” He laughed.

“Nice?” He muttered. “I think I ought to be offended.” I giggled. “If you aren’t satisfied, Duchess,” he rolled over onto me again.

“No,” I giggled and kissed him, “no Lieutenant, I’m satisfied.” He grinned at me, his hair was curly and wild and perfect and Goddess, I wanted him so badly again. We kissed deeply. “Damian,” I muttered as he grew hard and then pushed into me again. This time was different. I thought I’d been satisfied the first time, but this time, we both felt more urgent and moved faster and I felt a wave of pleasure rush over me and I cried out, not able to think of his name, or anything but how amazing I felt. I fell away from him, panting. “Well,” I mumbled, “no wonder Annalise and Tristan won’t stop! That’s wonderful.” He laughed and began playing with my hair.

“I think you just told me something you weren’t supposed to,” he teased. I blushed. “I won’t tell,” he whispered, “I’d guessed a while ago though.” I nodded. “And what about you and the good Captain Dugarry?” I swallowed.

“That’s complicated,” I whispered. He nodded. “We grew up together, and I,” I sighed, “well, it never mattered because he didn’t feel the same way.” He kissed me again.

“I don’t understand that,” he whispered, “not loving you seems completely impossible.” I blushed.

“When did you know you loved me?” I asked. He laughed.

“When I saw you,” he said. I rolled my eyes. “Goddess, you think I’m corny. But it’s true. You and Count Aaron walked up and we thought you were the queen and you smiled, and corrected us and I was lost forever.”

“You know that if,” I sighed, “the council wants me to try to marry Eric if Annalise won’t.” He laughed. “It’s not funny! It would be awful!”

“No love,” he said, “it would never happen.” I blinked. “love you, I’ve loved you since the moment I saw you and Eric knows and honors that.” I looked at him.

“This has come up before,” I said. He smiled.

“Once or twice,” he said. I nodded. “It’s why we have rules. I imagine you and Annalise must have them around Sir Tristan as well.”

“We don’t talk about it,” I said, “that’s the only rule.” He nodded. “You said this afternoon that you weren’t respectable. What did you mean?” He smiled sadly.

“My mother,” he said softly. “She was,” he swallowed. “well, I don’t know precisely that she was a prostitute but she was a barmaid at the least. My father was a ferryman, a rich one, to be sure, but still. It wasn’t a scandal, and he married her.”

“But then he married a queen,” I whispered. He nodded. “How?”

“Aimee’s father wasn’t high ranking,” he said softly. “But she was pretty, and Chosen and young, so the old king married her, and then she had Eric and he sent her away. To where she grew up, to Brinecliff, and then he died.”

“And your mother?” I asked. He smiled.

“She died later, with my brother,” he explained. I kissed him. “Aimee and my father were childhood sweethearts, but their circumstances had prevented them from marrying. It was frankly a good scheme for Daniel and Elana who wanted Eric and Aimee out of the way.” I smiled and kissed him. “I got the brother I lost in the bargain, Papa got a title, and Aimee got as much peace as I imagine she’ll ever have.”

“Do you remember her?” I asked softly. “Your mother?” He nodded. “I wish I remembered my mother.” He kissed me again. “Was it hard, at court?” He shrugged.

“Not really,” he said, “my father is very popular at court, he gets along with everyone, and Aimee’s always been. If it weren’t for Katrin needing to come out though, I think they would have stayed happily at Brinecliff forever.” I smiled. “Our childhood was happy, simple.” I nodded. “Why do want to know all of this?” He asked lacing our fingers.

“I like hearing about other people’s family’s and childhoods,” I said, “mine was so odd. Papa and I shut up, alone with our books, the sisters running around like frightened cats. I was afraid of everything.”

“When did Brayton set his sights on you?” He asked. I swallowed.

“I was fourteen,” I mumbled. “It was awful.” He kissed me. “Tristan was always kind to me, you see, and his parents too.”

“Not Lady Athena?” He said. “You two are such good friends.”

“Yes, now,” I laughed. “But no, before, Lisette, we weren’t. She thought I was silly and I was afraid of her.” He laughed. “Did you really come here hoping to court her?”

“Yes,” he grinned, “I’ve never had a warrior woman.” I rolled my eyes. “Of course before tonight I’ve never had a witch or a duchess either.”

“I’m Chosen,” I said softly, feeling his breathing get deeper. “Not a witch.”

“Six of one,” he whispered, before falling asleep. He’s sleeping soundly, my lover. Damian. And I’m so frightened. I know so little about him.