Marina

We were back at the manor. Damian had gone to bed, and I was staring at Tristan, he leaned looking out the window. Gods, he’s so beautiful, he’s always been so beautiful.

A lifetime of flames can’t be quenched by one hurried night Nika had said. Were they still burning? I feel so many things when I look at Tristan, but I don’t think I burn. Although at the moment all desire feels far away.

“Tristan,” I whispered and he looked at me. “What did she say to you, exactly?” He exhaled. “Amina, I mean.”

“You will be offered a great temptation,” he said, “And if you fall to it, you will lose this.”

“And you assumed that meant me, or Annalise?” I said, he walked over to me.

“What else could it mean?” He asked. I shook my head.

“All kinds of things,” I shrugged, “power, the kind she could give you, something about your grandfather and the guild, Amina’s not known for being straightforward,” he cupped my face and I shrunk back.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered, “you’re not,” he exhaled, “Lestoff, and Caro, I know we can’t, I’m just, gods, look at you.”

“It isn’t that,” I shook my head, “I mean it is, but I also,” I exhaled, “being touched, like that, I can’t, I haven’t,” he nodded. “I don’t trust myself, to know what I want, that way. He,” I swallowed, “the things he did, the way it felt, it’s all still there, on my skin, in me, I can’t,” I started crying.

“What did he do to you?” He asked. I looked at him. “Say it out loud, Marina, it helps.” I sat down and he sat down with me. “Breathe,” he rested his hand on my chest, it wasn’t sexual, it wasn’t even tender, just pressure. “And then say it.” I took a deep breath.

“He took my mind,” I said, “he wrapped shadow around it, and made me,” I exhaled, “made me beg for him. And it was every night, however he wanted, sometimes tender, sometimes rough, sometimes he’d just have me touch myself while he watched.” Tristan nodded. “And I liked it, I liked pleasing him, I like the release of it. Except sometimes it would come back to me, this voice, my mind, and I was screaming, that I hated him, that I didn’t want any of it and it hurt,” he pressed his forehead to mine, “and when I wake up in the dark it’s still all there, when Damian touches me, when you touched me,” I exhaled. “It’s like it’s happening all over again, like I can’t say yes or no, I can’t choose, there’s like no choice.”

“It’s over,” he whispered, “when it happens, that is what you need to do, you need to take a deep breath, you need to remember that it did happen, but it’s over, and you need to remember where you are, where are you?” I closed my eyes, “don’t do that, keep looking at me, where are you, Marina?”

“I’m in the drawing room,” I said, “in Brightcoast Manor.” He nodded. “It did happen, but it’s over.” He nodded and I took another deep breath. “How do you know how to do this?” He smiled.

“Soldiers have these kinds of episodes a lot,” he said, “why do you think Martin meditates so much? Why he makes all of us learn how? It helps.” I looked at him.

“Do you?” I asked.

“Not so much anymore,” he said, “I used to. About taking Dovetail.” I nodded. “You said something about letters,” he whispered. I nodded.

“I took it,” I ran to the desk and pulled out the book. He opened it. “This is how he knew so much about me, about us.”

“Gods, I really did have a stick up my ass,” he muttered. I laughed. “How did I not know I was love with you? How did I miss it?” I glanced at the page he was looking at and smiled.

I find myself thinking of you, even when it makes no sense, I wrote, maybe when I was twelve, or thirteen? When I see the guards, or a golden horse, or at my studies, when one of the sister’s tells me to be more serious. I smiled.

I am sitting in the woods and saw two foxes trotting past, he wrote one time, it reminded me of dancing. Are you too grand and pious to dance these days? I swallowed and he looked at me.

“How did you get it?” He asked, I shrugged.

“I was still writing to you, even when I couldn’t send them,” I explained. “Some part of me knew I didn’t want him seeing, so I took it, and kept it on me.” He blinked.

“I waited for a letter,” he said, “sort of, I kept expecting,” he swallowed, “like it was any other time we were apart, that you’d write and I’d answer.” I nodded and flipped to the back.

Dear Tristan,

It’s dark and cold and dead here. I keep thinking about my little birds at Brightcoast, and I pray that they are well. Will you go to see them, and my father? When your baby is born, please take a small white one for them, and tell them about your foolish friend who traded her soul for something that is already dying in her.

He saw all of it, between us. There’s no reason to hope that it will be different this time.

Do swear to watch over Lisette for me. She needs to be loved so much, my poor heart.

Your Friend, Forever and Always

Marina

“You want my son to have one of our birds?” He said. I nodded. “A great honor for him,” I smiled, I leaned back against him. “It wasn’t for nothing,” he whispered. “What you traded, it wasn’t for nothing. You love him,” I looked at him. “Any of us would have, for the people we love.”

“Annalise wouldn’t have,” I whispered. He exhaled.

“Maybe not for Eric, or Prior or me,” he said, “but for you,” he looked at me. “She’d have done it for you.” I looked at him. “And maybe Aaron.” I laughed. “But mostly just you, you’re the person she loves most in the world, Rina.” I nodded and rolled over to be looking at him. “In some other world, some other Tristan was less foolish, and managed to keep you.”

“Even in this one,” I said softly, “you’re the one I trust with my soul.” I’d named it, finally, this permanent, impossible to break bond between us. It didn’t change anything, it didn’t make Caro or Damian matter less, but Tristan was mine, and I was his. “Go home,” I said. “The person you’d trade the world for shouldn’t have to share you anymore.” He cupped my face.

“The person you did it for is upstairs,” he whispered, “and he’s a good man, Rina.”

“What happened while I was down there?” I asked. “You two were practically at each other’s throats in Rastan.”

“For a while when you were taken too,” he said, “but he’s important to Caro, and you. So I am seeing the best in him.” I nodded. “I’ll go in the morning.” I smiled and kissed him on the cheek.

“I love you,” I whispered. “And thank you, for this.”

“I love you too,” he whispered. “Anything you need.” I smiled and went upstairs and undressed. I slid into bed with Damian and wrapped around me. I didn’t shrink away.

It happened. But it’s over.